If you were making the ultimate British buffet, what’d be in it?
August 18, 2024
…and would it be proper retro working class style, or modern posh nosh? Or a mix of both?
by _lippykid
35 comments
“Picky bits”
Big plate of Gregg’s sausage rolls, big plate of Yorkshire pudding wraps with roast beef and ho’ray inside, big plate of “miniature” burgers that are as big as your fist, several Wotsits in bowls, a keg of Bisto gravy made with dripping and a hot trolley of apple crumble.
cheese hedgehog is lacking cocktail sausages and silverskin onions
Beige as far as the eye an see. And some brown for a treat.
Distinct lack of quiche in that buffet my friend. It isn’t a buffet or picnic without a bit of quiche.
Bucket of vinegar with pickled onions floating around
Baked potatoes in a lake of melted butter
Crisps, quiche, sausage rolls, cocktail sausages, sandwich triangles (both white and brown), cheese cubes on a stick, decorative salad.
Needs pork pies.
My mum is physically unable to put out a spread without a ridiculously sized plate of prawn vol-au-vents.
Gala pie
Cheese and tinned pineapple on sticks is my go to!
Chicken and mushroom vol-au-vent.
tea cakes and swiss rolls are needed for me
Hula Hoops.
Me looking at this picture:
*Heavy Panting*
Cheese and pineapple sticks
Volouvons or however you spell it, preferably warm prawn cocktail or deviled eggs
Mini sausage rolls
Cocktail sausages
Chicken drumsticks
Quiche
Sandwiches/rolls with a variety of fillings
A variety of bowls of crisps(ready salted normal crisps/pringles/doritos with associated dips etc)
Vol au vents
Garlic bread
Pizza
Perhaps a lasagne/chilli/spag bol
Cheese and pickle on sticks
Russian salad
A platter of chicken nuggets/dippers
Mini Scotch egg bites
Loaded potato skins
Party rings
Mini cupcakes
Mini Swiss rolls(both raspberry and chocolate ones
Other mini/bite sized sweet items that I cannot think of right now
And then at least a huge chocolate tray bake type cake to bring out later, ideally a proper cake tho
Starter – Mini variants of picnic staples (scotch egg, pork pie, sausage roll). Make sure these are dry as fuck. A solitary cheese quiche for everyone to ignore. 3 litres of coleslaw that’s been sitting at room temp since Thursday last week.
Main – Approximately 25 kilos of frozen food in 50pc bags, aka British Tapas, all of which can be cooked in 20mins in a 180*C fan-assisted oven. This should include multiple different formats of breaded chicken paste and potato at least 7 ways. Onion bhajis that taste like onion powder mixed with potting soil. 3 frozen pizzas – one cheese, one ham and pineapple, one pepperoni. The cheapest ones available, and no, I don’t care if there’s 30 people coming, we’re not getting any more, we don’t even like these people and uncle Alan eats it like it’s his last fucking meal every time anyway. A depressing looking “side salad”, which is 3 bags of mixed salad served without dressing in a mixing bowl. Everyone grabs 3 leaves out of peer pressure to pretend they’re thinking about their waistline.
Dessert – Mini muffins that have less moisture than the surface of the sun, a warm trifle and a mint vienetta that hasn’t been out of the freezer since before Diana died. It’s ready to eat when the box disintigrates on touch and smells of fish fingers.
All of this food is to be served on paper plates with all the structural rigidity of wet toilet paper. The good cutlery is not to be used, instead you have plastic knives and forks that shatter when looked at too hard. We recommend everyone takes 1 fork for each bite of food.
Drinks – 2 pitchers of criminally watered down Ribena and orange squash. Ideally 1 shot of squash per bathtub of water. If you can still see any colour, add more water. 15 cans of Stella left in the sun to warm up all afternoon. 4 bottles of the cheapest prosecco this side of Hadrians wall, if it tastes like wine flavoured sparkling water you’re on the money.
Classic ristorante pizza 😂
I went to a wedding where the wedding ‘cake’ was a 3 tier pork pie. Progress.
Something beige. It has all the other colours
Where’s the coronation chicken? Also the Ritz crackers with pineapple and cheddar on?
35 comments
“Picky bits”
Big plate of Gregg’s sausage rolls, big plate of Yorkshire pudding wraps with roast beef and ho’ray inside, big plate of “miniature” burgers that are as big as your fist, several Wotsits in bowls, a keg of Bisto gravy made with dripping and a hot trolley of apple crumble.
cheese hedgehog is lacking cocktail sausages and silverskin onions
Beige as far as the eye an see. And some brown for a treat.
Distinct lack of quiche in that buffet my friend. It isn’t a buffet or picnic without a bit of quiche.
Bucket of vinegar with pickled onions floating around
Baked potatoes in a lake of melted butter
Crisps, quiche, sausage rolls, cocktail sausages, sandwich triangles (both white and brown), cheese cubes on a stick, decorative salad.
Needs pork pies.
My mum is physically unable to put out a spread without a ridiculously sized plate of prawn vol-au-vents.
Gala pie
Cheese and tinned pineapple on sticks is my go to!
Chicken and mushroom vol-au-vent.
tea cakes and swiss rolls are needed for me
Hula Hoops.
Me looking at this picture:
*Heavy Panting*
Cheese and pineapple sticks
Volouvons or however you spell it, preferably warm prawn cocktail or deviled eggs
Mini sausage rolls
Cocktail sausages
Chicken drumsticks
Quiche
Sandwiches/rolls with a variety of fillings
A variety of bowls of crisps(ready salted normal crisps/pringles/doritos with associated dips etc)
Vol au vents
Garlic bread
Pizza
Perhaps a lasagne/chilli/spag bol
Cheese and pickle on sticks
Russian salad
A platter of chicken nuggets/dippers
Mini Scotch egg bites
Loaded potato skins
Party rings
Mini cupcakes
Mini Swiss rolls(both raspberry and chocolate ones
Other mini/bite sized sweet items that I cannot think of right now
And then at least a huge chocolate tray bake type cake to bring out later, ideally a proper cake tho
Starter – Mini variants of picnic staples (scotch egg, pork pie, sausage roll). Make sure these are dry as fuck. A solitary cheese quiche for everyone to ignore. 3 litres of coleslaw that’s been sitting at room temp since Thursday last week.
Main – Approximately 25 kilos of frozen food in 50pc bags, aka British Tapas, all of which can be cooked in 20mins in a 180*C fan-assisted oven. This should include multiple different formats of breaded chicken paste and potato at least 7 ways. Onion bhajis that taste like onion powder mixed with potting soil. 3 frozen pizzas – one cheese, one ham and pineapple, one pepperoni. The cheapest ones available, and no, I don’t care if there’s 30 people coming, we’re not getting any more, we don’t even like these people and uncle Alan eats it like it’s his last fucking meal every time anyway. A depressing looking “side salad”, which is 3 bags of mixed salad served without dressing in a mixing bowl. Everyone grabs 3 leaves out of peer pressure to pretend they’re thinking about their waistline.
Dessert – Mini muffins that have less moisture than the surface of the sun, a warm trifle and a mint vienetta that hasn’t been out of the freezer since before Diana died. It’s ready to eat when the box disintigrates on touch and smells of fish fingers.
All of this food is to be served on paper plates with all the structural rigidity of wet toilet paper. The good cutlery is not to be used, instead you have plastic knives and forks that shatter when looked at too hard. We recommend everyone takes 1 fork for each bite of food.
Drinks – 2 pitchers of criminally watered down Ribena and orange squash. Ideally 1 shot of squash per bathtub of water. If you can still see any colour, add more water. 15 cans of Stella left in the sun to warm up all afternoon. 4 bottles of the cheapest prosecco this side of Hadrians wall, if it tastes like wine flavoured sparkling water you’re on the money.
Classic ristorante pizza 😂
I went to a wedding where the wedding ‘cake’ was a 3 tier pork pie. Progress.
Something beige. It has all the other colours
Where’s the coronation chicken? Also the Ritz crackers with pineapple and cheddar on?
Where baked beens??
Cucumber in vinegar please.
Sumer buffet – Lager, Pimms, Fizz stuff, G&T, Scotch and beige things.
Winter buffet – Ale, Port, Brandy, Scotch, Fizz Stuff and beige things and a pickled onion.
Tunnocks teacakes are essential
All hues of beige obviously
Pints o’ cream
Potato grids
Large macs
Chocolate quail’s eggs
Fluffy ruffs
Pasta pillows
Mcfortune cookies
Egg ‘n’ ham slabs
Pork cylinders
Artificial bacon (Facon tm)
Sandwich casserole
Garlic pudding
Hoisin crispy owl
Bonbonbonbons
Discount foie gras
During-dinner mints
Quiches lorraine
Fondant fancies
There’s no prawn ring from Iceland? Pffft
Six types of sausage rolls. Sixteen varieties of crisps.
The Parthenon Marbles
Curry, kebab, pizza and sweet and sour Chinese.
And chips, all forms of chips
Beetroot. To be spilled onto any non-disposable table cloth or expensive clothing.