You unhook your jaw and pour it into your mouth like Diana from **V** eating a mouse.
Hold it sideways, bite through the side with the thin bit of pastry. Then you let the cream goo ooze out everywhere and realise that this technique didn’t help at all.
Not like that, that’s for sure
You squeeze it together, licking the cream as it squishes out. Then eat the pastry. Obviously.
I find it easiest to separate the two layers and eat each one individually.
Open mouth as wide as possible
Place slice into mouth as far as you can
Force slice remaining outside of mouth with palm of hand
Chew
Boof it.
Rotate it 90 degrees so the hard pastry doesn’t crush the cream layer when you bite.
The correct answer is the rotate 90 degrees and eat it with your front teeth. With the ‘top and bottom’ pastry bits actually on the sides.
You can’t, they are constructed to be offered to those you wish to demean. Bite one end and the cream shits out the other. A preemptive tactical lick between the pastry will render you forever ridiculous to any observer. It is hopeless, even a plate and fork just encourages it to explode. There is a tiny chance of getting the whole thing in at once but that is not really a save as panic can set in.
Take the top off and put it on the bottom. They way you bike through the soft custard before the firm pastry.
With a fork, we’re not American.
To quote True Lies – doucement, do it very slowly
Surrender dignity, embrace chaos.
You’re not. You’re supposed to eat both of them!
I blew my ex’s mind with how I do mine.
I Take the top (iced layer) off completely and put it at the bottom with icing facing down so you get max tongue-icing exposure.
The layers should go: icing-pastry-pastry-custard/cream
This lets you bite through them without squishing stuff everywhere.
The downside is you can get sticky fingers from the icing having down, so if that’s a problem then you can flip the icing layer around but you’ll trade off the icing on tongue goodness
One middle bite. Then lick custard from both sides that squeezed out. Then middle bite. Repeat
You turn it sideways, lick out the excess cream then start taking bites.
Stuff it in your gob messily. It’s the only way
Mr Kipling would know
I squeeze until some of the cream comes out the sides, then eat the cream. Squeeze again, repeat, until you have just the two pastry sides.
Your fingers will be covered in icing and the two pastry sides tend to slip around, but that was always my technique of choice.
Place on plate, tip in it’s side, use a pastry fork
I take off the top layer so it’s in two slices, then take equal bites of both pieces at the same time to ensure icing / pastry / cream ratio stays on point.
Absolute fucking faff but it’s the best way I have found.
Step one….NEVER let the icing touch the top of the packaging. Step two….be fully prepared to make a mess. Step three…go to town on it like a hungry man with a rack of ribs.
Deep throat it, swallowing it down in one, stick your tongue out and no chewing.
Turn it on its side. Then get a knife and fork and cut it into 4 pieces. The pastry on its side helps to keep the structure of your vanilla slice or cream slice.
Dammit people. I’m low carbing at the moment, and all I can think of now is how nice it would be to eat one of these.
You aren’t
Do you not have a set of silver pastry forks with a little knife down the side of the forky bit? In a leather case with baize lining? My Nan did.
In one bite
Maybe not directly off the settee?… 🤔
Can never stand the cream in those.
Squeeze (that’s the important part) and remove any excess from both sides with a clean finger. Lick said finger and eat as normal.
The same way as the rest of us…like a disgraced animal.
shove it up your ass and sing the USA anthem
Use a pastry fork.
You’re doing it right. Just keep going.
Whole
Put it on a plate. Turn/rotate the slice so the icing is facing sideways. Use a knife and fork!
Use a fork or spoon .
Haven’t had one in a while, but I used to eat them sideways. That didn’t work either.
Turn it on its side, bite it like that – the pastry layers don’t smush together then and you bite straight through. You still have to be careful with the cream though.
How did you try first time round? It looks as though you just smidged it into your face
I’m just adding that the fake cream slices are so much nicer than the real cream ones.
In the Netherlands we have something similar called Tompouce. There’s some discussion on the correct way. Some take the “lid” off and eat the cream pastry and the glazed pastry seperately, others split it in two with a knife to get even cream on both sides. Some bite into it like a maniac like you seem to be doing, fancy cunts use cutlery.
45 comments
You unhook your jaw and pour it into your mouth like Diana from **V** eating a mouse.
Hold it sideways, bite through the side with the thin bit of pastry. Then you let the cream goo ooze out everywhere and realise that this technique didn’t help at all.
Not like that, that’s for sure
You squeeze it together, licking the cream as it squishes out. Then eat the pastry. Obviously.
I find it easiest to separate the two layers and eat each one individually.
Open mouth as wide as possible
Place slice into mouth as far as you can
Force slice remaining outside of mouth with palm of hand
Chew
Boof it.
Rotate it 90 degrees so the hard pastry doesn’t crush the cream layer when you bite.
The correct answer is the rotate 90 degrees and eat it with your front teeth. With the ‘top and bottom’ pastry bits actually on the sides.
You can’t, they are constructed to be offered to those you wish to demean. Bite one end and the cream shits out the other. A preemptive tactical lick between the pastry will render you forever ridiculous to any observer. It is hopeless, even a plate and fork just encourages it to explode. There is a tiny chance of getting the whole thing in at once but that is not really a save as panic can set in.
Take the top off and put it on the bottom. They way you bike through the soft custard before the firm pastry.
With a fork, we’re not American.
To quote True Lies – doucement, do it very slowly
Surrender dignity, embrace chaos.
You’re not. You’re supposed to eat both of them!
I blew my ex’s mind with how I do mine.
I Take the top (iced layer) off completely and put it at the bottom with icing facing down so you get max tongue-icing exposure.
The layers should go: icing-pastry-pastry-custard/cream
This lets you bite through them without squishing stuff everywhere.
The downside is you can get sticky fingers from the icing having down, so if that’s a problem then you can flip the icing layer around but you’ll trade off the icing on tongue goodness
One middle bite. Then lick custard from both sides that squeezed out. Then middle bite. Repeat
You turn it sideways, lick out the excess cream then start taking bites.
Stuff it in your gob messily. It’s the only way
Mr Kipling would know
I squeeze until some of the cream comes out the sides, then eat the cream. Squeeze again, repeat, until you have just the two pastry sides.
Your fingers will be covered in icing and the two pastry sides tend to slip around, but that was always my technique of choice.
Place on plate, tip in it’s side, use a pastry fork
I take off the top layer so it’s in two slices, then take equal bites of both pieces at the same time to ensure icing / pastry / cream ratio stays on point.
Absolute fucking faff but it’s the best way I have found.
Step one….NEVER let the icing touch the top of the packaging.
Step two….be fully prepared to make a mess.
Step three…go to town on it like a hungry man with a rack of ribs.
Deep throat it, swallowing it down in one, stick your tongue out and no chewing.
Turn it on its side. Then get a knife and fork and cut it into 4 pieces. The pastry on its side helps to keep the structure of your vanilla slice or cream slice.
Dammit people. I’m low carbing at the moment, and all I can think of now is how nice it would be to eat one of these.
You aren’t
Do you not have a set of silver pastry forks with a little knife down the side of the forky bit? In a leather case with baize lining? My Nan did.
In one bite
Maybe not directly off the settee?… 🤔
Can never stand the cream in those.
Squeeze (that’s the important part) and remove any excess from both sides with a clean finger. Lick said finger and eat as normal.
The same way as the rest of us…like a disgraced animal.
shove it up your ass and sing the USA anthem
Use a pastry fork.
You’re doing it right. Just keep going.
Whole
Put it on a plate. Turn/rotate the slice so the icing is facing sideways. Use a knife and fork!
Use a fork or spoon .
Haven’t had one in a while, but I used to eat them sideways. That didn’t work either.
Turn it on its side, bite it like that – the pastry layers don’t smush together then and you bite straight through. You still have to be careful with the cream though.
How did you try first time round? It looks as though you just smidged it into your face
I’m just adding that the fake cream slices are so much nicer than the real cream ones.
In the Netherlands we have something similar called Tompouce. There’s some discussion on the correct way. Some take the “lid” off and eat the cream pastry and the glazed pastry seperately, others split it in two with a knife to get even cream on both sides. Some bite into it like a maniac like you seem to be doing, fancy cunts use cutlery.