In my experience this isn’t unique to cancer, it’s a feature of modern friendships. They’re wonderful as long as you can share hobbies, have fun, go partying etc with them, and they’ll even let you talk about being depressed or anxious. But the moment something inescapably *real* happens, they ditch you. There’s a sense in which younger people now (by ‘younger’ I mean under 40 or so) tend to view difficult responsibilities toward friends in need as a boundary-crossing imposition that they can just reject the moment it causes them discomfort.
Ok I’ve read the article. I’ve actually had cancer a few times around the same age and I was forced to retire from the damage treatment did.
I spent time chatting with terminally ill people during treatment. Used to spend the week in hospital with a few.
I also lost most if not all of my friends from work and even from the dive club I was in.
They initially kept in touch. I didn’t like telling people bad news. People never know what to say and honestly we all have our own issues. So I never spoke at length about it.
We drifted apart slowly and sometimes it did upset me. But I realised it’s not something anyone does to be mean.
When you have a long medical battle it’s hard to know how to approach you.
If I rang up any of those old friends they would all probably be there for me. But they just stopped checking in. Because I think they realised it didn’t help me to ask for an update.
What do you say to your 27 year old dying mate? Or in my case 30 and losing my whole career and becoming disabled over multiple treatments.
Most people around that age never need to consider their mortality. And do you want to just keep saying sorry?
And then you have to remember the strain it puts on people being exposed to the trauma of something like this.
I’ve had mental health professionals crying listening to me tell them what happened with my health. Never mind people who aren’t trained to deal with that sort of thing.
It’s an impossible situation. I’m very sorry this man has terminal cancer and I hope his passing is as peaceful as it can be. Life can be incredibly cruel at times.
I think it’s our job as people to try and find the positive in life. Maybe the positive from this man’s death is people will see this article and reach out to give support to their sick family and friends.
To be fair he is about to ghost his friends. He can’t really talk.
‘Ghosting’ probably wasn’t the most tactful term to use here
I’m love to give any traffic to that insufferable twat Jake Humphrey, but I do recommend listening to the interview with Kevin Sinfield about how he confronted this reality with Rob Burrow. The idea that friends could just “disappear” when someone receives a serious diagnosis is incredibly sad.
Same happened to my husband . So called friends at our then church mostly ignored him .
I saw this somewhere on Reddit:
“And for my next trick, I’ll break my own heart by exaggerating my place in other people’s lives.”
It cuts deep.
The friends of this guy should still be there for him when he dies. We’re all squeamish about death. We don’t know how to act: wail or try to make light of it.
But I’d have thought if his friends said, “You’re going to die and there’s absolutely *nothing* we can do to stop that. But, we will be there to see you off so you don’t have to be on your own at death”, might be a kind thing to do. Not an *easy* thing, but a decent thing.
Kind of similar but not cancer , I had an accident that left me paralysed. So many so called friends , didn’t even bother to visit while in hospital for 6 months . After more dropped away inc some family members, well I just hope they don’t find themselves in a similar situation.
Had cancer 10 years ago and noticed the lack of contact from guys I thought were good friends and would be there. You live you learn. That mistake won’t be made again. After recovery the friendships were never the same. That’s the way it goes I suppose.
My dad has cancer. He in his 70s, so not quite the same situation. But there are people he knows who quite obviously cannot bear to talk to him now. It’s understandable; what do they say? Should they be direct and ask about it? Should they pretend it isn’t happening? Should they comment on the significant changes to his appearance or ignore them? What help is there to offer- they can’t cure him, what else can they offer that people aren’t already doing? They don’t want to cry in front of him, they don’t know what to do so they avoid him. They’re sad and afraid, they’re not being bastards.
Why even bother posting a link to a article you have to sign up just to read
My mother died of cancer only two weeks after diagnosis and I had a cancer scare at the same time. We’ve all heard horror stories about people whose friends and family abandon them when they’re down on their luck, but even so, I was shocked to find that most of my friends disappeared.
I didn’t expect anything from anyone and hardly talked about it. I didn’t behave as though I was sad or worried. I did tell people what was going on, but there was nothing weird about it and I told them the same way that most of them had told me about their own challenges in life on other occasions.
There are people here making the usual excuses. “People don’t know what to say,” etc. As far as I’m concerned, there is simply no excuse. Everyone is capable of sending a text/card that says “thinking of you” or a few other words.
It turned out that I didn’t have cancer, and people have slowly started to trickle back. I haven’t said anything, but I don’t want anything to do with those AH and keep my responses to their messages to emoji or a couple of words. The people who did stay in touch are the people I want to continue to have in my life. The whole thing taught me a good lesson about how to identify people who make good friends.
Heartbreaking. Life can truly be horrific to some families. Seems like such a nice guy.
I had Pneumonia and it was scary. Sometimes people want alone time when being at the end of their life. My grandpa didn’t want any kids in his room when he was dying from cancer. He said the nuisance was too much for him. I’d focus on being grateful for the life I had, then worry about the last few weeks.
“the frozen food company Iceland” I’m glad they specified it was the shop and not the country, I’m sure a lot of people would have been confused
Yeah this happens with any illness or disability.
People will want to be around for the good times but very few will stick with you in the bad ones. It sadly becomes very apparent very quickly.
Used to have people talk to me almost daily, then ghost as soon as I was heading in for a hospital stay, and then miraculously turn back up when they heard I was out and healthy again.
My best mate is looking after a parent who is dying of cancer so we don’t see each other often as he’s busy with working and being a carer. But we speak every week and I will take him out for a walk and chat when he can have an hour to himself. I don’t talk about the cancer or death, I just try and keep things normal. I had a family member die from cancer and right up to the end we just talked as normal, had drinks together and watched TV. You can keep in touch with people diagnosed or caring for cancer patients and it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.
Fucking god damnit, I made the mistake of reading this thread whilst listening to Ian Noes “Letter to Madeline”
It’s getting misty in here
I had a good friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I didn’t ghost him, but he did pull me up one day and call me a twat and proceed to tell me why.
Basically he said we had been taking the piss out of each other and everything since we met at age 11, and having cancer and knowing he was going to die was bad enough, but to now have a friend who was being sympathetic and kind was too much.
He had kindness and sympathy up to his ears from his family, what he wanted was his mate. I hope, for his last few months I was his mate.
Chronically ill here. Some people are incapable of coping with difficult situations. They just go hide. Afraid of being dragged into a sad situation, being asked to help or afraid that they’d be forced to help. Also, at that age everybody is looking for someone and having fun doing it. He probably can’t go to a pub crawl or a 10 days holidays in Ibiza.
I’m glad to say I have never been like that. I became chronically ill in recent years but have had disabled friends since I was a teen. We live very far now but we chat daily and see them when I travel back home. I’m glad they’re in my life and now we understand each other even more.
If you’re reading this Josh, you look like a disappointed chipmunk. Would love to squeeze that face to see if I can make your eyes bigger. Big hugs.
Most people have acquaintances that they mistake for friends. Sure you’re friendly but you aren’t friends.
This is probably unpopular but I think people also expect too much from others. Maybe I’m just broken but I’d never rely on people to be there for me if I got sick. It’s a nice bonus if they are but it’s not expected.
Does anyone live near him who will visit I am in Ireland sadly
This is one of those “find out who your real friends are” situations I feel.
24 comments
In my experience this isn’t unique to cancer, it’s a feature of modern friendships. They’re wonderful as long as you can share hobbies, have fun, go partying etc with them, and they’ll even let you talk about being depressed or anxious. But the moment something inescapably *real* happens, they ditch you. There’s a sense in which younger people now (by ‘younger’ I mean under 40 or so) tend to view difficult responsibilities toward friends in need as a boundary-crossing imposition that they can just reject the moment it causes them discomfort.
Ok I’ve read the article. I’ve actually had cancer a few times around the same age and I was forced to retire from the damage treatment did.
I spent time chatting with terminally ill people during treatment. Used to spend the week in hospital with a few.
I also lost most if not all of my friends from work and even from the dive club I was in.
They initially kept in touch. I didn’t like telling people bad news. People never know what to say and honestly we all have our own issues. So I never spoke at length about it.
We drifted apart slowly and sometimes it did upset me. But I realised it’s not something anyone does to be mean.
When you have a long medical battle it’s hard to know how to approach you.
If I rang up any of those old friends they would all probably be there for me. But they just stopped checking in. Because I think they realised it didn’t help me to ask for an update.
What do you say to your 27 year old dying mate? Or in my case 30 and losing my whole career and becoming disabled over multiple treatments.
Most people around that age never need to consider their mortality. And do you want to just keep saying sorry?
And then you have to remember the strain it puts on people being exposed to the trauma of something like this.
I’ve had mental health professionals crying listening to me tell them what happened with my health. Never mind people who aren’t trained to deal with that sort of thing.
It’s an impossible situation. I’m very sorry this man has terminal cancer and I hope his passing is as peaceful as it can be. Life can be incredibly cruel at times.
I think it’s our job as people to try and find the positive in life. Maybe the positive from this man’s death is people will see this article and reach out to give support to their sick family and friends.
To be fair he is about to ghost his friends. He can’t really talk.
‘Ghosting’ probably wasn’t the most tactful term to use here
I’m love to give any traffic to that insufferable twat Jake Humphrey, but I do recommend listening to the interview with Kevin Sinfield about how he confronted this reality with Rob Burrow. The idea that friends could just “disappear” when someone receives a serious diagnosis is incredibly sad.
[Kevin Sinfield: Why I’ll Never Stop Fighting For My Friend Rob – YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRN_ug31KqI)
Same happened to my husband . So called friends at our then church mostly ignored him .
I saw this somewhere on Reddit:
“And for my next trick, I’ll break my own heart by exaggerating my place in other people’s lives.”
It cuts deep.
The friends of this guy should still be there for him when he dies. We’re all squeamish about death. We don’t know how to act: wail or try to make light of it.
But I’d have thought if his friends said, “You’re going to die and there’s absolutely *nothing* we can do to stop that. But, we will be there to see you off so you don’t have to be on your own at death”, might be a kind thing to do. Not an *easy* thing, but a decent thing.
Kind of similar but not cancer , I had an accident that left me paralysed.
So many so called friends , didn’t even bother to visit while in hospital for 6 months .
After more dropped away inc some family members, well I just hope they don’t find themselves in a similar situation.
Had cancer 10 years ago and noticed the lack of contact from guys I thought were good friends and would be there.
You live you learn. That mistake won’t be made again. After recovery the friendships were never the same. That’s the way it goes I suppose.
My dad has cancer. He in his 70s, so not quite the same situation. But there are people he knows who quite obviously cannot bear to talk to him now. It’s understandable; what do they say? Should they be direct and ask about it? Should they pretend it isn’t happening? Should they comment on the significant changes to his appearance or ignore them? What help is there to offer- they can’t cure him, what else can they offer that people aren’t already doing? They don’t want to cry in front of him, they don’t know what to do so they avoid him. They’re sad and afraid, they’re not being bastards.
Why even bother posting a link to a article you have to sign up just to read
My mother died of cancer only two weeks after diagnosis and I had a cancer scare at the same time. We’ve all heard horror stories about people whose friends and family abandon them when they’re down on their luck, but even so, I was shocked to find that most of my friends disappeared.
I didn’t expect anything from anyone and hardly talked about it. I didn’t behave as though I was sad or worried. I did tell people what was going on, but there was nothing weird about it and I told them the same way that most of them had told me about their own challenges in life on other occasions.
There are people here making the usual excuses. “People don’t know what to say,” etc. As far as I’m concerned, there is simply no excuse. Everyone is capable of sending a text/card that says “thinking of you” or a few other words.
It turned out that I didn’t have cancer, and people have slowly started to trickle back. I haven’t said anything, but I don’t want anything to do with those AH and keep my responses to their messages to emoji or a couple of words. The people who did stay in touch are the people I want to continue to have in my life. The whole thing taught me a good lesson about how to identify people who make good friends.
Heartbreaking. Life can truly be horrific to some families. Seems like such a nice guy.
I had Pneumonia and it was scary. Sometimes people want alone time when being at the end of their life. My grandpa didn’t want any kids in his room when he was dying from cancer. He said the nuisance was too much for him. I’d focus on being grateful for the life I had, then worry about the last few weeks.
“the frozen food company Iceland” I’m glad they specified it was the shop and not the country, I’m sure a lot of people would have been confused
Yeah this happens with any illness or disability.
People will want to be around for the good times but very few will stick with you in the bad ones. It sadly becomes very apparent very quickly.
Used to have people talk to me almost daily, then ghost as soon as I was heading in for a hospital stay, and then miraculously turn back up when they heard I was out and healthy again.
My best mate is looking after a parent who is dying of cancer so we don’t see each other often as he’s busy with working and being a carer. But we speak every week and I will take him out for a walk and chat when he can have an hour to himself. I don’t talk about the cancer or death, I just try and keep things normal. I had a family member die from cancer and right up to the end we just talked as normal, had drinks together and watched TV. You can keep in touch with people diagnosed or caring for cancer patients and it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.
Fucking god damnit, I made the mistake of reading this thread whilst listening to Ian Noes “Letter to Madeline”
It’s getting misty in here
I had a good friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I didn’t ghost him, but he did pull me up one day and call me a twat and proceed to tell me why.
Basically he said we had been taking the piss out of each other and everything since we met at age 11, and having cancer and knowing he was going to die was bad enough, but to now have a friend who was being sympathetic and kind was too much.
He had kindness and sympathy up to his ears from his family, what he wanted was his mate. I hope, for his last few months I was his mate.
Chronically ill here. Some people are incapable of coping with difficult situations. They just go hide. Afraid of being dragged into a sad situation, being asked to help or afraid that they’d be forced to help. Also, at that age everybody is looking for someone and having fun doing it. He probably can’t go to a pub crawl or a 10 days holidays in Ibiza.
I’m glad to say I have never been like that. I became chronically ill in recent years but have had disabled friends since I was a teen. We live very far now but we chat daily and see them when I travel back home. I’m glad they’re in my life and now we understand each other even more.
If you’re reading this Josh, you look like a disappointed chipmunk. Would love to squeeze that face to see if I can make your eyes bigger. Big hugs.
Most people have acquaintances that they mistake for friends. Sure you’re friendly but you aren’t friends.
This is probably unpopular but I think people also expect too much from others. Maybe I’m just broken but I’d never rely on people to be there for me if I got sick. It’s a nice bonus if they are but it’s not expected.
Does anyone live near him who will visit I am in Ireland sadly
This is one of those “find out who your real friends are” situations I feel.