The secret of true love | DW Documentary

The secret of true love | DW Documentary

Love binds us together. It’s a beautiful feeling… and sometimes confusing. Without love, you can’t actually be happy. Love is thrilling and passionate. But it can also hurt. Still, many dream of a great love. Yes, I will! We are the way we are, and we fit perfectly. We’re two peas in a pod.

Sometimes the feeling lasts a lifetime. Lightening struck for Sara and Karim two and a half years ago. When they met on a dating app. Now, the couple live together in Düsseldorf. When I first saw his photo, my heart skipped a beat, as they say. I saw the photo and thought, that’s her. Really.

The way this app works, you look at a lot of profiles and at some point you become, I’d say, a bit jaded. And then this photo came up. I thought to myself, okay wow, that’s her. And then we talked on the phone for quite a long time.

I was at my mother’s, and she always likes to send me home with food. I asked her to give me a little bit more. Because – she’s here, she doesn’t have any family here. And I miss Arabic food. And I wanted to bring you some. We had never met before.

But I know how it is. And I thought, she’ll like this. I did have an ulterior motive: I thought, if I give her my Tupperware, we have to meet again. So she can give it back to me. That was smart. Their new home just needs a few finishing touches.

It’s has to be ready in 6 weeks. That’s when the two are getting married. Sara, the architect, is very particular about everything being perfect. A challenge for Karim, who has a PhD in physics. So that’s what Sara wants, to get the last five percent finished perfectly.

That’s fine with me. The door opens. The door closes and opens. You don’t need any handles, that way. So the study and the guest room also have to be completely finished before the wedding. So, she can go ahead and help me finish. The study is almost finished.

This is where Karim will spend his days; he works from home a lot. But behind the door, Sara has something very special hidden away: Her wedding dress. Karim isn‘t allowed see it before their wedding day. I think it’s nicer when it’s a surprise. Although I do get to see his suit.

But in every in culture, the groom isn’t allowed to see the bride’s dress. So he promised he wouldn’t peek. And I trust him. The preparations for the wedding are well underway. Everything should be perfect, even the wedding dance. The two have hired a wedding planner. Sanela Ziesmann has organized everything,

Down to the smallest detail. Sara and Karim want it to be the most beautiful day of their lives, celebrating with 150 guests from all over the world. They‘re coming in from Canada, Jordan, Sri Lanka, Greece… Berlin, to be there. And that is just joy, that they are with us,

For this new stage of life that we both want to start. That they can celebrate and feel the joy with us. And it’s doesn’t happen that often, that all the people we love in the world are with us. I just want everybody to have a good time.

Neither had imagined the relationship would became so serious so quickly. Love took them both by surprise. Love is an indescribable feeling. I can‘t put it into words. Something you see, you feel. It makes your heart quiver. But you don‘t know what‘s going on. That‘s love for me.

For me… I’d say love is… boundlessness, patience, and friendship… I mean that in a good way! Sure. We are the best of “friends”. No. But you‘re also my best friend. That’s right. I don’t have a best friend. She’s it. Love is infinite. It‘s a beautiful feeling, and sometimes confusing. Love is wonderful.

Just happiness. It’s this deep connection you feel. Ulrike and Hermann Schulte-Mattler know this dance school well. This is where they took their first dance class. And where they met. It was a school ball, and they were 15 years old. This is where you were sitting. And I was sitting here, somewhere here.

Yes, a little further back, I think. But I saw you there. You were sitting all the way back there. I didn’t see you… But every now and then, in between, I could see you. I remember, I was here, talking. I didn’t see you coming. All of a sudden, poof! You were standing there.

Yes. It took me an hour to organize that. An hour. An hour. The man up front, with the music, he gave the hand signal. And said, ‘Please ask your partner for the next dance.‘ Then, bang, I was here.

And then you took my hand and then we went out there, onto the dance floor. Here in front. Yes, here at the door. Yeah. And then some blues came on. I had requested that song. Do you remember the song? No. Actually yes, it was Procol Harum: “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

This was one of the longest blues tracks there was, back then. And then the music came on. At first, we kept a bit of a distance, then we slowly came together. Then I kept moving away, I thought: Nah, too close. And at some point, we were very close.

And then we danced very slowly, I remember that. That was a long time ago. Yes, that was a long time ago. That brings tears to your eyes. Oh, honey. All’s well. You’ve found me. All’s well. Man, man. What life has in store for you. Yes, a great place. Great memories.

Tillmann Schürfeld is a musician. As a student, he’d practice ten hours a day. His big dream? To go on tour with big pop bands. Then, in 2018, his professor asked if he’d like to study abroad, in India. Whoah, India. Quite noisy, dirty, a lot of people.

The only idea I had of India was what you see in the media. I pictured slums, in my head. I didn’t have a nice image of India. In India, Shivani Karmakar was already a successful artist. A classical Indian dancer, she was firmly anchored in her country, her family and her work.

The project with German students was just one of her many artistic projects. At the time, she had never met a German. They were punctual to the minute. If the rehearsal was supposed to start at nine, they reached at 8:58 and they will ring the doorbell exactly at nine.

Which was, let’s say, not our forte back then, especially not mine. When Shivani and Tillmann met, they fell in love. It was the beginning of a love story across two continents. They spent a six months together. But in March 2020, Tillmann flew back to Germany. Right before the pandemic lockdown.

One of the last flights from India. I came home and everything shut down. 60 concerts were cancelled, I had nothing to do. I just came from an intense phase – with Shivani, with music — back home. And – nothing. That was the start of the most difficult challenge, for us.

We didn’t know when we would see each other next… it ended up being a whole year and a half, well, 16 months that we couldn’t see each other. Tillmann and Shivani were 7000 kilometers apart… for 16 months… with no idea when they could meet again.

But they didn’t want to give up on their connection. They spent hours every day on Facetime, talking and developing their own style of music. It was, it was just in the pandemic that the absence of the other person made us so important and made us realize, you know, we, we,

We genuinely are better together. So thanks to the pandemic, we found the, I don’t know, each other’s value a little more. This photo was taken by Tillmann while he was still in India, when he said goodbye to Shivani. After that, they only saw each other online.

Then I proposed to her on December 19, 2020… …on facetime… …on Zoom, of course. And she said yes, and since then, we always keep the picture someplace we can see it. But it was still unclear when they would be able to see each other again.

The couple had to deal with lockdown, difficult visa issues, entry restrictions and unclear flight dates. Plans changed multiple times. So personally, till the time his flight landed in Mumbai, I was not sure if he’ll be able to make it for the wedding or not. For months, the two could only communicate via screen.

Love is complicated. Love is the most important thing in life for me. Without love you can’t be happy at all. You’re somehow always unsatisfied. You have to be able to forgive. In arguments, because you say things you might not mean, sometimes. But backstabbing, or something like that, I find hard with forgive.

So that is the disadvantage of love. It‘s not always beautiful, there’s pain too. That one, great, true love… a dream, or a wish for many. But not every love lasts a lifetime. Annette Meisl was in a monogamous marriage for 15 years

Until she realized that her husband had been cheating on her for years. That changed her view of relationships. I think true love sets you free. Annette Meisl suffered greatly before she reached this conclusion. First, she left her husband and had a breakdown. She journaled about it for years.

To this day, a trunk filled with her memories stands next to her sofa: It’s frightening, the stories told in these pages. So, for example, here: Monday, October 1. ’My 22nd day, as I’m counting it.‘ And then I say, ’I must begin a new story, and count the days since seeing Mr. X.‘

Back then, I called him Mr. X. At that time I was still seeing him, because I thought we had to clarify things. Until I realized at some point that there was nothing to clarify, and that I just had to let go. The worst thing about my failed relationship

Was basically being lied to. And not only by him, but also from the female friends around me who knew what was going on and didn’t tell me. This idea that for years I looked into their faces, and they were lying to me,

Had kept the truth from me – that was the greatest betrayal, for me. At this low point, Annette Meisl changed her whole life. She started therapy, and made great strides professionally. She expanded her cigar manufacturing business. She organized music evenings and cigar seminars.

She enjoyed her professional success. But, in terms of love, she wanted more. So she began a radical experiment. She decided to develop relationships with five men — at the same time. A challenge, after 15 monogamous years of marriage. I came from nothing. My self-confidence was at rock bottom.

And from there, to this idea of five men, that’s a huge gap. So how do you manage that? Then it was a case of trial and error, a process of building myself up and forcing myself out of the house – with difficulty.

And then learning a new language – the flirting or dating language. And then finally finding someone who wants to try something out, and then finding the next person. And that really took time That was in 2012. It took a year for her to find the 5 men.

She knows how to flirt, now. Often, a single glance is enough. But then something happened that she didn’t count on: Annette Meisl fell madly in love with one of her five men. And then I experienced real agony in my soul. As all my friends had predicted.

And he basically put all my theses to the test. He was, involuntarily, my teacher. And all my great ideas were suddenly put to the test by reality. So, it was an interesting script that life wrote for me. And at some point I was really exhausted, I have to say.

Her love experiment became an emotional roller coaster. Nevertheless, she continued it. She had set herself a timeframe of two years. Then she wrote a book: “1,2,3,4,5 men. Just for me.” When the book was published, it was the talk of the town. She appeared on tabloids and talk shows. Her experiment is ongoing:

And she has learned a lot about herself: It was a rebellion against love, because I had been very disappointed. And I just wanted something completely different and completely crazy, as a counterpoint. It is not meant as an advice manual. It’s not a ‘how-to.‘

But I want to get people to maybe think outside the box a bit, maybe do something crazy. But for me, honesty is so important. That’s my motto. Always treat other people with respect and empathy. And you can’t just betray someone. That’s the worst thing for me:

The idea of cheating, cheating you of your reality. For me, honesty is the most important thing. Even if it hurts sometimes. The big day is here. In Essen‘s Steele district, the final wedding preparations are underway. Karim wants to leave nothing to chance. Everything should be perfect.

But of course there are a few hiccups. The photographer might be late. He should have left, but I don’t know if he’s still at lunch or what. But he should be there already. We‘re on schedule. Karim is nervous, but wedding planner Sanela has everything under control.

Her team is getting the hall ready for 150 guests from all over the world. With only 2 hours to go, it‘s stressful for everyone. There are also these positive moments and you have to think about them, how beautiful that is. Just like this S and K, which is back there.

I didn’t want it, but Sara had to have it. And it looks phenomenal! So you have to remind yourself of everything that‘s beautiful. So there‘s a little bit more excitement, and less nervousness. You wrote me: Table 2, three child seats

And that was the problem with the third child seat at the head of the table… That’s what we said, they should seat themselves. The two have kept the official wedding ceremony small. Their big celebration is afterwards. A little bit to the right, about 5-10 centimeters.

Karim and Sarah are a bit nervous but also excited. We have the groom, who‘s already here, which is actually not typical. Because usually at weddings, the bride and groom only come later, together, to the location. Here, we have a somewhat different procedure. So we have the groom here,

Who of course wants to keep an eye on everything, while he waits for the bride. She’s running a bit late. So yes, of course that always causes a certain amount of anxiety. While Karim is waiting in Essen, the bride is in Düsseldorf. She still needs the right hairstyle for her veil.

It‘s taking longer than expected. The bottom part is more important than the top. I had some champagne… I told you, you’ve got to have a drink, it’ll relax you. As soon as you see your husband, you’ll be calm. I’m excited. Nervous, but also happy. So, it’s all the emotions together.

Unfortunately I still have a bit of a cold. You can hear it, maybe. But it could be worse. For stylist Melika, this work is special. For me, of course, it’s also exciting. Nothing can go wrong, and of course I have to calm them down, too. That‘s also part of my job.

If I’m stressed, the brides are even more stressed. It‘s a big responsibility. Actually, Sara should leave right away, to stay on schedule. For weeks she’s managed to hide the wedding dress from Karim. Only two more hours, and she’ll be standing in front of him.

The Grugapark, in Essen. Hermann and Ulrike have spent a lot of time here, in the 51 years since they first met. One spot in the park is particularly special for them: This is our place, so to speak, where I asked her if she would like to ‘go“ with me,

As they called it back then. And because I knew the Gruga very well, at that time, and still know it well today, I chose exactly this place here. And as you can see, she said yes. And ever since, we always return to this spot. We first met when we were 15.

Now, we have our own children, and I would say a 15 year old is a child. So we were actually still children. Well, we felt very grown up. And when you get to know each other when you’re as young as we both were,

It‘s something very special. And we like to come back here. Just as many others may have a place where they met, or got to know each other. Ulrike and Hermann also brought their own children here. To this day, the couple makes the hour long trip once or twice a month

– to their spot. They’ve made many important decisions under these trees. Yes, and at some point, when you reach our age, you think to yourself, this is where it all began. You can hardly believe it. You didn’t know how the whole thing would develop. And then this place has this attraction,

That no other place in the world can ever have. And here, in this place, many of our values were determined… the meaning of family, the meaning of togetherness. Ulrike dreamed of riding a motorcycle at an early age. She learned, with the support of her husband, and is still an enthusiastic rider today.

But the couple also has differing interests. My wife likes classical music, and I like heavy metal and hard rock. One secret of their long love affair is their special ritual: Every Wednesday, they take turns surprising each other. You always have to think about what moves the other person.

It’s always different. What makes the other person tick, right now? What is it that moves him? You always have to keep track of what is current at the moment. He is no longer the man I met 50 years ago. He is now a completely different person, with other preferences as well.

It is love. It is real. Still. This feeling. This warm feeling of love. And there‘s a deep gratitude, too, that I always feel when we are here. That we have been so blessed in life. That is also what I associate with this place. Gratitude. They were always together, in the same place.

Something that was out of reach for Shivani and Tillmann for a long time. Until this moment: After 16 months of separation, Tillmann finally lands in Mumbai. The two are reunited. And they get married! Because the pandemic is ongoing, the wedding is small, by Indian standards.

And the two can finally make music together – in the same place. Now we are husband and wife. Today, the two live in Cologne. Homesickness is a big issue for Shivani. She misses her beloved Indian food, but that’s relatively easy to fix. More difficult is everyday life in Germany,

Bureaucracy and the German language. Tillmann helps wherever he can. What she misses most are the people she left behind. I remember the last day in India, the two most difficult things were leaving the Dance Institute because I remember I thought, now I’m going to take my moped back home.

And then the next morning I’m not going to come here to stand in front of my Guruji and learn from her. This realization was so difficult, so difficult. But again, on the other hand, I was happy that I was going to move to a new country

And start a new life with my husband. And the other was saying goodbye to my mother at the airport. I think about it a lot. Like, ok wow Shivani, what you’ve done for me, I could not have dreamed of. It’s something we need to keep in mind: We have something new together.

And we must work diligently to build this thing, together. The two have developed a mix of contemporary pop percussion and classical Indian music. They’re now working on their own productions under the name Anahad, which means “boundless.” As long as the flame of passion stays alive and maybe even grows stronger,

We know we are not in the wrong place. It works quite well. And still, everyday, there are those moments where you look out the window and think, wow, it’s been a journey. Telling stories through rhythm, that’s what their partner tattoo says.

It is their life‘s motto, and the plan for a joint professional future. Living and working together – can it work? Axel and Thorsten run a catering company in the Monforts Quarter in Mönchengladbach. The couple spends a lot of time together. They‘re often asked how they manage. May I specify something:

I’m always the one who’s asked, ’how can you can stand him?‘ That’s not true, I’m asked the same question. It’s always a question of who’s asking, to be fair. No, I don’t know either. Somehow it has developed. There is no big discussion about it, because it developed so organically.

And we also know exactly when the other one has reached their limit. Then I take three or four days off from work completely. When it’s a bit too much and I need to switch off, I go into the kitchen. So the lucky one is whoever’s there at the time.

No, joking aside, that’s it, we each have our hobby and our space. Space is one key to their happiness. Thorsten cooks — both his profession and his passion. So. How does it look? That’s good, do you want to try it? Yes. It smelled quite tasty. From nothing! Once again. It was nothing.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Very good! I cook and Axel goes to the kitchen afterwards and cleans up. That is really great. Somebody has to do it. It’s a fair deal. When Axel needs a break, he gets behind the wheel… of a streetcar.

Members of his club even drive regular streetcar shifts from time to time. I’m living the childhood dream here, the classic childhood dream that probably all boys have at one time or another, of riding the train or driving it. And I practically soaked it up with my mother’s milk as a baby,

Because my great-aunt always took me on tours in Wuppertal on the classic suspension railroad. And that somehow stuck with me. That’s quite nice, because I particularly like the people in the Ruhr area, and of course you’re on the front line, so to speak. We still sell tickets and so on.

I’m not someone who likes to take the streetcar, the bus or the train. That’s certainly more for him. But it’s something special and I know that it’s important for him. He can totally switch off. Not while he’s driving, of course, but when he’s here. He enjoys it.

When he works a shift, he doesn’t really get home until 2:30 in the morning. But it’s important for him because he’s grounded afterwards, he says, it gives him new energy. And he simply needs it. They even donated one of these old restored streetcars to their hometown. Axel and Thorsten give each other space.

That‘s one secret of their long relationship. But they also have a hobby in common: In 2019 they were the local carnival‘s crown princes. A first, in their hometown. Logically, and not surprisingly, there were a lot of skeptics. Because they said, ’two princes, and no princess? How? How is it going to work?‘

Even just, ’what will they be wearing? Will there be someone in a gown with a pink feather boa?‘ When we heard about this later, we thought, it can’t be true. People asked: ’Did you think about that?‘ So we had to show more or less first that we are quite normal.

And then we said, ’by the way, we’ll only do it if neither of us puts on a dress, neither of us will be a princess. If we do it, it’s two princes.‘ After that, it was clear: Thorsten and Axel didn’t want to pretend for others.

In a 1961 Beetle, they set off for a very special place. The two first said “I do” atop Petersberg mountain in Königswinter in 2009. Back again. It’s been a long time. It’s wasn’t an official marriage, but a declaration of partnership. Same-sex marriage in Germany was not yet allowed at the time.

Still, the celebration of their love was an event. And it took place in one of the most sought-after wedding venues in Rhineland. A spot for glamorous parties. Many German celebrity couples have walked down these stairs. So Axel wasn’t nervous at all at the wedding. Not at all.

He just had no voice in the morning. We had to call a doctor. That was especially nice. That he lost his voice. Well, you more than make up for it. No, but really. How should I describe it? A special day. There were special people there.

And then this surprise with the room. How will it look? That was already such a magic moment, as you can imagine. If you’re going to celebrate, then do it properly. Thorsten used to be a chef at the hotel. So he has a very personal relationship with this place.

It turned out to be a huge party: 180 guests, 3000 red roses. It was so emotional. And there were people there who were crying. And they congratulated us afterwards. They said, honestly, that was the first wedding we’ve been to of two men,

But it was so emotional and so great. Thank you for that.‘ And that was kind of something. For us it was normal. Once again, the core of the matter. It doesn’t matter who it is, sitting up there. If two people say, we take responsibility for each other,

It doesn’t matter in which constellation they live. It was certainly a bit different 10 or 14 years ago. It was not a political event for us. It was really about us and it didn’t matter what other people thought, honestly. When politics in Germany changed and same sex marriage was finally allowed,

The couple made it official. In 2019, Axel and Thorsten said “I do” a second time – again with a big celebration. A wedding — a day that should be remembered forever. Many couples come up with something extraordinary. It’s the moment Karim has been waiting for.

In a few minutes, Sara will finally arrive at the wedding venue. How did you imagine we would dance with it? The two will never forget this moment. And now for the big party… A wedding with many relatives and friends. For Sara and Karim, it‘s the perfect start to a life together.

The two wanted an Arabic wedding. The groom should be carried in. Karim chose the band for this special day. The celebration will be everything the two dreamed of. Love is vivid, and varied. Some people like big gestures. Others prefer small acts of love.

Beneath it all, the feeling remains… when the heart chooses love.

We all dream of love. Who doesn’t want that feeling of having butterflies in their tummy? But what constitutes that powerful emotion? The film goes in search of romances and great love stories.

“Love is friendship,” says Sarah a few weeks before her wedding to Karim. The pair from Düsseldorf met two years ago through a dating app – during the coronavirus pandemic. Now, they’re preparing for their big celebration: 150 guests are coming from all over the world. The couple are expecting it to be the best day of their lives.
Annette was happily married for 15 years when she suddenly discovered that her husband had been having an affair for years with a friend’s sister and her world came crashing down. After the initial shock, Annette embarked upon an unusual experiment: to find lovers. Several at once – five, in fact! No commitments, no promises – just passion and total honesty above all else.
Thorsten and Axel have been together for many years. They still love each other, they still enjoy life to the full and they’re very active: both professionally and privately. The entrepreneurs are volunteer carnival organizers and in 2019, they were the first gay prince couple in the state of North-Rhine Westphalia at carnival celebrations in Mönchengladbach. “Love means being able to rely on each other. To know that there’s someone at home and that you’re accepted with all your shortcomings,” says Axel.
Love is exciting, often passionate and sometimes painful. The film explores the question of how and where people fall in love – today, a few years ago and even half a century ago.

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